i was wrong...

saturday:


this morning i woke...and i realized i was dreading something. then it hit me. all that i said last night...all that you'd said. what have i done? a horrible mistake, a deep sinking feeling within. i lurched forward, as if i was going to throw up. i didnt. but i wish i did...although i know i have no right to.

you were right. i wished i could have realized it earlier, then perhaps things wouldnt have been like this... i had become blind to what you've done for me. my caring so much - going on and on doing what i thought was right, felt was right... it made me not stop to think how you've cared for me, my feelings, and my selfish nature.

i knew you cared a lot, and valued me so much so much... but i'd never stopped to consider it, think about. i'd never taken it in...just went on doing and doing, as if i was the only one caring. and now...it seems as though i've lost you...maybe we'll never be as close anymore...could we still be?

so much pain...because of me. the other time you called, you were crying, crying because you felt you wronged me, upset because of what i might think of you when i find out. you wanted to let me know first...because you treasured above all else what i thought of you, felt about you. you didnt want me to go...and i left you alone last night. how could i have? if only i could take my words back...

i didnt know what was right anymore. things...dont feel like last time anymore. change. how strong are we together? how weak are we together? because of something, it always ends up hurting...but we'll get stronger, right?

i treasure you a lot...like how i've come realized that you do too in the same way... but how could it work from now? i dont want to end up hurting you anymore. you dont deserve it...it has been my fault...it really has been...my fault for being a little too selfish about you, and for being too selfishly caring, disregarding all else... sigh.

i hope all these dont have to make sense anymore...because i'm not trying to...

i'm sorry for what i've done...i'm sorry for what i've been...i'm sorry i've wronged you all this while...i've only been a disappointment.


it's been a terrible day...



give it some time
we'll find a way, alright?....somehow...
forgive me...






sunday:

i've wronged you...i actually doubted you. for the past two weeks...i doubted our friendship. i doubted your feelings for me... i wasnt sure about my doubt....but the fact that it was still there...it pains me now...to think that i even thought about that...how could i have?

what have i done for you... today i thought about it...and i realized that i've been bluffing myself all this while, bluffing myself that i'd done everything and anything because i care about you. instead, what i've done so far...have only brought pain, hurt you, upsetted you. hardly anything to make your life better...and if i did make your life a little better, i would only make it worse later... and i could still dare say that i cared so much about you...

i'd walk upstairs to hold my handphone, to ask how you've been doing, whether your weekend was rough...to tell you about the good eat-all-you-can buffet i had with my family at a japanese restaurant...then i remembered...i wasnt suppose to do that. could i? i dont know...the days...seemed to pass by so slowly...i dont even know whether i deserve talking to you anymore...

i'd re-read those messages that you sent to me...read those that i sent you...worrying about how you were feeling now...whether you ate enough...got enough sleep...i felt as if i said everything wrong...everything seemed wrong since then...two days ago...seemed only yesterday...

sigh. if i could erase all the sorrys that i've said before...and say it now to you, i'd say it. and i hope it would mean something to you...because i would mean it a lot when i say it

...would you accept it?...accept me back into your life...



i still remember the time when you lay your head on my shoulder to sleep...was on a taxi to countdown filming...you probably wouldnt remember...then it was different... i didnt have feelings for you then...then you were still a strange little girl whom i didnt know much about...






tuesday:

another day passed without talking to you...but not a day has passed since i didnt think about you. or how things would be...or could be from now on...

today was sitting outside the classroom with our shamelessly-paiseh friend...something just came to me - felt slightly uneasy, and guilty...i realized how much i did enjoy his company...and how much i did want you to as well. i want him to be my friend...as much as how i want him to be yours. i know it's not really being fair to you, or him...having already come to a sort of resolution or decision that wasnt easy to make. but...how wrong and selfish it was of me...to have something and not wanting you to have it...

mm...guess i wont be running for cross-country nxt week. ran today...with the knee guard. about 5 km mark realized that i shouldnt continue...knee started to ache again...dont want it to develop into some permanent injury. i miss having the freedom to run...not having to consider my knee...

wondering how you're gonna spend national day...whether or not would you be there to capture the moments...probably be quite nice to watch beside the river...or some higher up place in the area where the view is better...


how are you getting along? such a long time...not knowing what's going on in your life...seems so weird and strange all of a sudden...like something's missing from me... but when i look for it...i realized i wouldnt be able to find it...hope it is good...hope it is good...



our friendship is worth more...more than what i've done to it, what i had allowed it become. would it get better?

you'd always be part of my life. because i want you there, too.






wednesday:

didn't see you today...worried, wondering whether you were alright...

today passed slowly...worked on my mock ioc 'apologia' for most part of the day to deliver in the afternoon...only that i didnt get to do it in the end because of the school quality survey. well...at least managed to get one poem out of the way.

realized that submission date for world lit 13 aug...only passed up 1 draft so far for assign2c. havn't read anna karenina yet...have to work hard for the nxt few days to make sure i dont get blacklisted to see admin nxt week. shall immerse myself in the book...hopefully get lost in it... somehow i am absorbed after reading the first few pages of anna....curious...social interactions and its construct. something that appeals to me quite greatly.



sigh. hope you are well. if you arent...make sure you drink lots of water...and sleep more. take care...

so much to do so much to clear up.

exams are over but soon the assignments will be due...already piled up and waiting in stacks.

guess i'd get down to them before ranting about other issues.

ciao