life

loads of things i wanna write...dunno whether can remember all my thoughts on my mind now. im feeling slightly depressed and down now...sigh. guess its kinda of the first term mood...everything isnt going too well...

my studies are like crap...not that im doing badly, its just that almost everybody is doing pretty well, and they're like the best humanities ppl in lvl...and also...its not just about beating them...its also about doing well. for example my cousin told me that ppl in his sch, for ib had to aim for like 18/19 out of 20 for essays...this is the kind of standard to get a gd scholarship. if i'm getting like below these, how can i even compete for a scholarship? and also, i cannot deny that i have been thinking past few years that my lit is gd, that my english is gd. but ever since i came up to year5 i feel so inferior, so lousy at everything, especially english/lit. i cant believe all these years ive been getting so high, suddenly the critera changes, teachers expect different things, and i start to become borderline pass and being average. i really thought that lit wasnt about using bombastic, cliche, HUGE, chim words in order to score well. i always thought that a gd interpretation was all that was needed. that's how ive been scoring. now it changes. interpretation must be there using BIG words. words that only the people in my class know, words that i havnt heard before. im really sad at this coz i feel so OUT, its like the teachers are marking me as if i was an average lit person, or a newbie at writing lit. they are teaching me how to write essays. but the thing is. i do know how to write. i hate it when my standard has become like that. i refuse to believe that my standards have dropped. im just angry that all these years no one has corrected my way of writing. all i have been getting were praises. now i hit rock bottom. its really demoralising. =/ sigh. i'll have to work A LOT harder now i guess.

i really hate it when i say that 'i'll work a lot harder'. never seems to materialise coz i am pretty busy. busy about dunno what. always end up just finishing the bare necessities. i cant see how ppl actually play, go out, do so much out-side curriculum stuff, and still do well. i feel so dumb and stupid. everytime a teacher teaches something in class, i do everything a model student would do. i would take notes, do everything i can to pay attention, read up a little b4 lessons...and still, nothing goes in. i have to go home. write out notes on my own. re-read the stuff 2 times overb4 getting it into my head, only to 4get it after a week or so. then b4 exams i have to re-study everything. i hate the fact that there are a lot of ppl out there that actually just listen in class, go home read 'a bit', and everything goes in like it was always there. and at exams, they ace it. its just not fair. then again what is fair? i hate that issue of what is fair and what is not. arrgh. =/

and sometimes i do stuff at sch...and it really takes up a lot of time? and end up i dont really get any recognition. i mean, the stuff i do, i dont really deserve recognition. but, its just not fair that sometimes i do things behind the scenes, and other ppl get credit for stuff they do outside, and the people at the back, are not appreciated...its really not cool with me. i really spend a lot of time on some stuff which ppl dont know about. i guess im not really that rArA type of people that becomes the centre of attraction or likes the limelight. i cant do it. then there are always those with that gift, and they get all the credit. im not really talking clearly, coz these thoughts in my mind arent clear too. thats why ive been feeling so =/

pass few days and weeks. its really quite bad. how should i think? what should i do? why should i care? why shouldnt i care? and its quite sad how people leave the sch, go to another sch, have all the fun and laughter, make new friends there, and pay lesser and lesser attention to the old friends that they have in their old sch. i had a couple of friends who were in express last year...and they left for other schs. and u'll never hear from them anymore...just like that. 4 years of friendship and gd times, and they just drift out of your life, into someone else's life, some place's future, gone from sight. yet, it makes them happier. you know that they are making it well somewhere else. some place they are enjoying, having gd times with other ppl. you cant help but feel happy for them. but at the same time, there's always that feeling of sadness, that they're out of your life, that they can spend less time with you, talk to you less. i dunno. another thought unclear. i hate being so blurry and full of mixed feelings.

i dunno why but whenever i see situations, i always see it from all perspective. i guess u can call me an understanding person, one who reads situations well. but i hate it sometimes because at one point i see advantage to myself, yet i see the disadvantage it does to another person. and i dont want to disadvantage the other. you know what im saying? and im beginning to get tired of myself saying 'i know' because i really do...and i understanding a lot about other people. how they are feeling, how they feel about the way you do things, about the way things seem to them. but i'm beginning to hate it. why should i feel that way about people when not everybody is like me? understanding? why should i be so nice to them? after all, when they get something fulfilled, some problem that u helped them solve, they just move away...thanks only. but then again, what more should i expect? that's the way people are, the way things are in life. im just crapping, im just luan up there...just saying stuff that i feel like saying...sigh. =/

and...in a way, im beginning to get tired of the culture of the sch im in now...its all so superficial, so unreal. there are so much politics in class, in sch, amongst friends...why cant we all just be together, have fun...and laugh together? you try to be yourself...and sometimes people just dont get you, appreciate you. i have friends who are like this, being themselves, yet they have to pretend now because the culture rejects them, society does not approve of them. so they hide and fade into the background. but everyone deserves the limelight. i have a strong belief for my sch. it is a very gd sch, with a supposedly strong and rich culture and tradition. but now i feel its all dwindling away. i feel that our batch is the LAST batch that can actually bring the 'fire' back to the sch, back to when it was strong, rich, where memories are ever memorable, time spent worthwhile. ours is almost the last batch. yet we are all so busy, busy with our own lives [myself included], busy with studying, busy with catching up with sch work, busy with playing away, we lose ourselves in our own world. why should any1 bother, care about whether the sch tradition is dieing? i hate the superficiality in our sch. i cant seem to find words, phrases to describe the way i feel about the current state our sch in.

i look at other schs, they dont boast about rich culture or strong traditions. they HAVE it already. people are being bonded closely as a cohort, as a sch. people are REAL to each other, down to earth, honest about things, yet our sch, almost everything is so fake. why cant we just live happily together? so what if it's cliche? i want our sch to not only boast it, but i want us to have the spirit, the acsian spirit that we used to think we had. there is stil some essence...i can feel it somewhere, lingering, waiting to be summoned, i do really hope we can find it, and bring it back. we invite old students back to make inspirational speeches, that we are so proud of. yet there are so many of those that do not make it, or are not so successful...and they were part of the culture, yet they do not get called back. is that what our sch is? achievements first, culture later? i hope im making sense, because i really mean what i say. i want things to happen this year. nxt year, for the years to come. humble is the word.

i think. why is everything so strict, so secondary sch like? we are jc-lvl now...my sch's really serious...as in other schs have like 2nd orientation for a FEW days to a week...we have a pathetic 1 day. and new students who come in just attend lssns as if they have been in it for 3 mnths...i thought we were a gd sch...we are still, but in some way, there still requires some attention and improvement.

you'd ask me to pray. because im confused, not in the right state of mind right now. but i tell you i've prayed about this a lot of times over. and, nothing just seems to work out. im just really depressed that things aren't really going the way they are suppose to go. i feel down because im losing it all. losing my language, losing stuff that i nvr thought i lose...and i feel somewhat...i dunno...bleh =/ i just hope i can settle some of these thoughts as soon as possible. i want to start, move on with my life...progress. there was a flame that was burning bright in the dark the wind blew and the damp twigs and leaves covered it and it went out or at least the boy thought it was out he removes the twigs one by one, slowly, carefully he sees a light amongst the twigs slowly dimming his heart sinks he wants the flame...he needs it, to burn, for him to see to see the things happening b4 him however, he patiently removes the things covering that spark he kindles it, and it starts to burn again not as big or brightly but at least he could now see the truth and reality b4 him that life, may not always be perfect, big, or bright but at least, there will always be that spark for us to kindle and keep burning. whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks i will be right here waiting for you.

<3 you loads... sigh. gonna miss you loads dont 4get me alright?