wei da

recently, whilst on the bus home...i was pondering upon something of the past...and i felt that it would make quite a good reflection piece.

hmm...there was a period in time in my life that i thought i was selfless. or at least i thought i COULD be wei3 da4 (magnanimous in Chinese). i thought i could shoulder the world's problems...take on everyone's burden...and make the people around me a lot happier. i thought that i could be everyone's 'hero'. i really believed that i could take stabs for people...suffer deep wounds and cuts by myself...and smile at everyone, pretending that everything was okay. i was on my way to becoming a 'great' and 'nice' guy...or so i thought.

slowly...i wasnt the smiley person i was. i became quite emotional and depressed. i knew that things were happening around me because i had allowed them to. i knew some changes were made because of me. people noticed that i had changed...and they tried to help. i was crumbling inside...watching, listening, knowing...and yet not doing anything. because i had allowed those things to happen...why should i stop it now? wouldnt i end up hurting everyone? wasn't this the entire purpose of my being wei da...accommodating everyone but myself? i had thought that i was big hearted and magnanimous.

unfortunately...i could hold my thoughts and feelings in no longer. being me, my personality and the need to confide in people...i started to talk to people closer around me about the entire issue. it was something i could no longer contain. progressively, i was defeating myself...destroying the image of myself as a 'wei3 da4 de3 ren2'. i needed people to know my pain. i needed people share it with me. i needed sympathy.

and i became pathetic. pathetic for pitying myself. and for needing sympathy, comfort. in the end...i guess i was only human. i had feelings...i needed love...and i wanted people to know what i was going through.




hmm i cant continue this post. =/ its so depressing. ANYWAY im all over it already. im much better now...i know where my limits are...and im more down to earth nowadays. and i believe that i understand more about people and myself through the experience.

i grew...