drifting

everytime i look back, i feel as if each step i take forward is a mistake,
that it would have been better to have left things alone...
because things would have eventually got better, by its own

my actions, words, seem to prompt for an immediate reaction, an immediate feeling
that, now come to think of it, is unreasonable and impossible...
but i still went ahead and done it, talk...and stir things up...mess things up again.

why do i always do it?
because i dont feel secure. each time i leave things alone...i dont know how it would become.
i fear. and i start thinking...and everything becomes so...unnatural.
i could go on and on about how things could be...what you could have done...things that i expect...but ultimately...i want it really to be entirely up to you...

your decisions, by your feelings, are what matters most to me, not what i want you to do, not what i expect you to do. i've been unfair...by imposing my expectations on you....like how you always told me u hated it...sigh. i guess i just feel so unassured...and left alone like that...for so long. im just so scared that...i'll lose you finally...that the light at the end of the tunnel isnt going to be one with you standing in it, but a blank white sheet that glares back at me.









leave it. i am going to leave it. just like that. after all, time will heal all things...even really really bad ones..right? it's just a phase that will pass...if we really meant so much to each other...then things will become gd again...the same...or somehow...if possible, even better. otherwise...like they all say...perhaps..it's for the better.