torn la...
sigh
why must i more or less always start my posts with sigh
today i was looking for my group member...
passed by her...
saw frm the corner of my eye, her head following my head as i walked...
was that all she could notice? was that all she could care to notice...
im really torn about it...this hair issue...
in the first place,
i think i've worked very very hard for the past few days, and some of december, to ensure that people taking part in the camp have a good time. i do remember that i have put in quite a bit of sweat and blood into it. all i needed was some understanding...its not as if im a rebel going to sch with it uncut again nxt week. i needed space to work this week...sigh.
i do remember reminding those who studying nxt year to be consistent, and those who just came in, encouraged them to stay. i think i've done at least this much for the sch.
torn between appreciation and self-worth
torn between rules and helping the school
thing is. yes i agree.
i am the leader
i am the role model
what i am, others will follow
if i do something out of line,
they will follow and do that something out of line
i accept it. it is my duty to obey, to set an example.
BUT.
am i suppose to admit that i've made a mistake.
YES i have already admitted that. but what else could i have done during this week. everyday was 8.00p.m. when places of grooming have already shut down by the time i reached anywhere.
but by admitting it, perhaps i've already demeaned the work for the school that i've done for the whole week. by that one look at my head it shoots me in the heart, that for all i have done i am shot down by my hair, that my work has gone unappreciated, lost in the wind, and then an arrow shot at my heart.
so yes i have admitted, so it perhaps mean that i am a LOSER? i do things, i contribute to a school that i love so much and am so proud of? then yes i am a loser. i contribute for self-worth, it does not matter that it goes unappreciated after i've commited a sin.
sigh. you get what im saying. TORN indeed. what can i do. yes i was going to get it cut this sunday anyway, when i finally find some space in my schedule of the week.
but this issue...it raises questions:
- by doing a whole lifetime of good, it takes one bad deed to demean all of it?
- if i am doing it for self-worth...then why should i care if i get shot down, it shouldnt matter anyway. that is who i am...i dont need appreciation (you're gonna say that every human needs to feel appreciated? that is true, but by the relevant people, not by the whole world) but it still matters to me so much coz it got me in the HEART.
- why dilemmas are so eminent in human life? i have arrived at the fact that it is due to OBLIGATIONS (kant) that has resulted in these inevitable dilemmas. its part of being human...then i dont wanna be human i guess. -.-
k la im quite confusing
i hate to be someone who always sees frm all angles of a situation
it makes it hard to make decisions
i hate to be caught in between, fulfilling a role, setting a standard, understanding that that is my job, and thinking that it is really unnecessary and that i shouldnt follow the standards simply because i dont agree with it.
i hate understanding everything, like the sacrifices i have to make to fulfil my role as a model for the rest to follow, and being and looking like some1 i wanna look. i even know that if i can set a gd example, there's no need for gd looks, because people will look up to you no matter what. but i cant decide. i cant choose. im caught in between...and i simply resent this fact
my apologies for this long post.
i hav rather confusing thots in my head...as always...sigh
i wish...i'd have some answers some day.
GROUP 8 CHIONG!
GROUP 8 SIAO!
GROUP 8 SIBEI SIBEI HO!
(x2)
miss you guys already...could have been better...come again nxt year! i'll be your improved version 1b jit yew-the-ogl. lol. but we HAD FUN! which is a lot a lot more valuable that who i am or what i have done. and for that i am SO SO glad! =) see you all in school on mondae! go thank moonie ya? she really deserves it =D
haha kk tired le
rest i will
sorry if i sound emo or over-sensitive
does it help to say i am not over-senstitive because i am aware of what's happening to me at any given time yet not understand it? -.- confused again. gah. maybe im not...maybe im just thinking im confused. i cant believe it's so complicated. life is anyway.
TORN indeed.
posted by thoughts-illuminate @ 10:08 PM
4 Comments
4 Comments:
Jit!! I didn't even notice the hair at all. All I remember about you this week is the conspicuous red t-shirt framed by rain, accompanying umbrella offerings and gentlemanly charm. =)
I think I kind of get how you feel though; it's like the case of my ratty-looking blouse with a tear at the shoulder - the first thing that I remember being noticed for was "you trying to show some flesh is it?"; all that was on my mind that day was dance recruitment and I didn't even realise my shirt had a hole, and was so gross and stained and torn until too late. =(
Indeed yes. i did not notice the hair at all. Plus.. you are messed up. but as always... i don't know. i feel that there is really no need to think so much... if i may be so bold. let me disect it for you can i? yes i will anyway(it's a message:> you can't really say no). they said your hair was too long. they told you to get it cut. the problem you face now. lies in the fact that you feel bad about it. you feel horrible and upset about destroying what you deem your role model status...the rest... just excuses. Jit Yew, abandon that. don't worry so much. don't feel so bad. you've done your job. fulfilled your responsibility. take pride and be happy with that. your hair wasn't cut. so? cut it. and everything is okay isn't it? and you have cut it. so... whats the point in feeling bad? don't beat yourself up over it. thats how i feel... and given my strong headed, domineering side.. haha. thats how i think you should see it too.
no worries jit. no worries.
i think you mixed up the issue of hair with the service you did for the school.. there is no need to take it personally, really
well is just that they take issues like these very bureaucratically, i mean they have standards for hair and their idea is that standards need to be met. its very impersonal, regrettably (like most organisations) but they do that for efficiency sake and they sort of not really have any choice. its just that these two issues are quite mutually exclusive and thats y it seems that they overlooked your commendable service and fervent passion. and so there is no rejection of whatever you have contributed, as it was just sort of conducted in a impersonal manner anyway.
yes life is complicated, take it down in an objective manner. haha.
dont let this get you down.. k?
and dont dwell on this, once the hair is cut, 'standard' is met, everyone moves on.. nobody remembers.. you should leave it behind too. haha
mm. thanks for the encouragements and the reassurances...sometimes i just so not sure of myself. its not that im not confident, but we all have doubts. yep.
another thing to add is that i just am not happy with the standards.
but if i want to serve, then i must comply no matter what the conditions are in order to serve.
if only i can dont comply, and serve. if only huh.
kk lets not brood about it. its over. at least for another 3-4 weeks b4 i hav to trim my hair again. sigh. hair. isnt it just such a small thing. why do i hav to blow it up. and now...why am i making such a fuss that i blowed it up? lol. really irritating indeed.
i could just leave things at as it were. after all...they say somethings in life should be left alone...why bother.
ah wells. work work work, heck the emotional side of life at this moment.
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