days go by

finally, my computer has allowed me to access blogger and post my first post in, like, 2-3 months?

now i'll just update about myself...
past few weeks have been, as words would describe:

• emotional
• ill-disciplined
• confusing
• dreary, weary
• lifeless
• meaningless

some of these words are rather harsh, but i did feel that at one point or another during the past few weeks

i guess it'll be like that for the nxt few weeks. it's not really as if i dont know what would be the measures to counter these feelings, these experiences that i've had for the past few weeks. ask me anything i'd tell you what would be the best thing you could do to avoid, or even tackle the problems you have.

but you'd probably tell me that you'd already know all the stuff that i was gonna tell you. which is true...at this age and time, human beings, or at least a large group of people around me, know more or less EVERYTHING, of how to react to this, how to react to that. but the strange thing is that it is these people that would be constantly asking us for advice that they already know themselves. sometimes, i guess, they just have to listen to some1 b4 believing and acting on it.

me? im faced with these problems, issues of life that i have already helped people with, talked people through...you'd think i'd know what to do about them. i know i know i know what to do! its just that i cant seem to get down to do them, situations have caught me offhand, making me think twice, maybe thrice, of what to do.

if only i was much simpler, i'd be able to look at things one dimensionally, and solve them base on other people's advice. i'd be more strong-minded, having only a few options to choose frm. problem is that i dont see things that simply, positively at every occasion i would tend to have multi-angled views of the situation, feelings that i've been having. how to solve then? you would say that i am no strong-willed...then i guess you'd said it right.

the rational takes a longer time to decide which is the best way to approach the situation. the irrational, well, would have made his/her stand long ago, hence it'd be easier for him/her. for this, i'd wish i were irrational. i wish i could only see things from MY perspective. be SELFISH about it.

this is something i've been struggling with all my life. to find a clear direction, to be disciplined and determined in following it through. anybody who knows me well enough and has gone out with me would know me to be accomodative, always seeking to know thoughts and preferences before deciding where to go. i wish i werent like that. i wish i could give my own directions, i wish i could take things into my own hands, and decide for myself. if only. but i am not like that.

haha. you probably can tell my state of mind after reading this. i hope i dont give you the impression that im confused. i dont think i am. but perhaps im struggling with something that you've been struggling with yourself.

i wish i would mean more.

still struggling with ridding myself with dota. now i've switched to 1v1 dota. its much more challenging and worthwhile playing than the team version 5v5. teams are mostly imbalanced with mostly 'leavers' or 'noobs' or 'idiots' who are uncooperative. and there tends to be huge lags which makes the game really bad.

//

currently,

enchant > viper

viper > lock

but it does not mean enc > lock.

//

dota = waste money = waste time = opportunity costs forgone.

but

dota = time with friends. fun i guess. but...

mmm. need to stop. need to prioritise. why cant i have the discipline? controlled by the game. bad.

haha i want to learn how to sing and to improvise.

currently learning:

• Unchained Melody
• Solitaire
• Unbreakable
• Drowning

i feel like roller blading. unfortunately i still havnt mastered it at all... then i can perhaps roller blade from Bishan to Dover like how some teacher at sch have been running to sch in the morning from KAP area. brilliant.

alright i guess i shall stop my ranting already. people would start wondering why i am so free to blog.

if you dont understand somethin, ask.

if you need something, ask.

if you wanna tell me something, tell me.