Wednesday, April 16, 2008

contradictions, conflicts

There's always this conflict

you would understand something so much, yet you wont do it

for example:
you know that it is impt to study hard, for your future is at stake. what if you dont make it to the university? what if you dont get a scholarship? what if you couldnt get a job nxt time? how are you going to survive, earn your keep?
you dont move. you continue to do what you do everyday. waste your time away.
so what if you understood the importance of studying hard, when you arent getting up on your feet to make a difference in your life?

for example:
you know it is bad to smoke. you've seen all the warning signs everywhere - since you started watching tv, reading newspaper, reading posters, listening to teachers at school warn about dangers of smoking.
you smoke, not because its a cool thing to do, but to relief stress, for it to be a past time

for example:
you know you are going to get hurt, yet you still dare to tell the girl you like her, and hope and wish so hard that she would reciprocate
deep in your heart, you know she belongs to someone else. and you know that it would spoil the friendship with her that was already going so well.
why? why would you still do it?

so what if you knew the warning signs, knew all about the situation, saw it from so many different points of view - the good, the bad? - you'd still have to choose 1 path to follow. and once you choose, you defy all other viewpoints that you had previously. you would contradict all but one.

choices. yet impulses. strange - this world.
you cannot be everything, thinking everything, and doing everything
choices are ultimately everything. and they make up who you are.
although i believe, the choices we make, dont always reflect who we really are.
choices, after all, are made either upon too careful consideration, or rash impulse.

to grow. to learn. to fail. to succeed.
the lamentations of life. my life, yours.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


a short post, a few realizations:

that my last two years spent at school were fulfilling, but yet unenjoyable. one of the most unhappiest time so far. and i only have myself to blame for letting that happen.
but i did accomplish alot of things. so the years that went by werent a complete waste

that i might actually have mild obsessive compulsive behaviour. which i think, isnt exactly a gd thing. i recall things that happen in the past, and reenact them through my thoughts, rewind, replay. each time after i say something to someone or do a hand gesture, i would have some regret, and then i would repeat my words by mouthing them in different expressions or repeat the hand gesture just to make sure it didnt look stupid. im weird. LOL

jit ah jit...haha