Monday, January 12, 2009

ramblings of a jityew

once again...once again jityew jit yew YOU have not posted in SUCH a LONGLONG time. nothing to post, or lazy to post? i think both! nothing to post because there hasnt been any change to my lifestyle and the things that i have been doing. still the same old things that i SICKENINGLY still enjoy like DOTA and hanging out with the guys. its really fun...and yet somehow really does not have any bearing to my future. ahhh my future...its not that i nvr think about fact i think about it all the time...i KNOW that im not moving forward in life...yet im stuck. stuck in this vortex of doingnothingness and achieving nothing.

i like to believe that i was an overachiever who did loads of things and actually succeeded in ALOT of them. that was last time. a year ago for many years of my life. and right now im stuck. i know i cannot continue on like this. not especially since it is a new year. and its already 1 year that i have been stagnating. and its 1 year to my university. UNIVERSITY!!! acsi ib 2008 batch did so well that im glad i actually applied for SMU biz and got in with my meagre points. it would have been NOWHERE in the 'Considered Applications' pile if i were to apply this year...OR maybe maybe it'll still be there...but not for smulaw/nuslaw anymore. rawr. anyhow...these days i've been thinking why in the world am i doing business in the first place. i should be doing political science, public policy, hospitality. these are where my strengths lie...or so i would like to believe. business? so that i can go into a bank and do marketing? do i have to do business to get into a bank to do marketing? SEE i dont even know all these things...i need an educational counselor at my 24-7 side answering my random thoughts about uni and what i could do.

mom suggests going to china to study. it is attractive...going overseas to study. china? why not? but i dont think im brave enough to study everything in chinese...especially so since the only real tuition that i ever had was CHINESE...since pri 2 onwards...private tutors, tuition centres...private tutors. i agree with my parents though...studying in china would definitely give me an edge over alot of people...even maybe over people who go oxbridge and other UK/US university. rise of the dragon rise of the dragon. i will still consider. how to apply? blegh.

do i sound helpless? i dont think i am...but somehow i sound like im helpless. not knowing what to do...where to go. i DO know how i should go about doing things....but gahh. maybe im just getting very lazy and just not WANTING to do anything.

my conscious is floating around and not stabilizing. my personality is not sound enough yet. i need to root. somewhere where i could get water in abundance...and sunlight to bask in every day. for me to be solid and firm. to be confident and not doubt myself.

i will be better. better than ever. but when. i should think it starts now. WHO HAS SMU BIZ NOTES? hmm but first i will get myself to sign up for driving. and then maybe japlssns/karaoke/dance. MAYBE.

1 step at time bah...but steadily progressing...and i shall stop here. these ramblings...for now.