Sunday, November 09, 2008

nearly a year has passed

hello one and all who have been reading and re-reading my posts because i simply havnt been diligent (omg what would be the better word to put here...prudent?) in updating my blog.

and so my NSF life is nearly at its 12 mnth mark (my ord is 13 Jan 2010 =.=) honestly i feel that it has gone by rather shockingly fast. i do know that the beginning of the second half of my NSF life will be rather dry and draggy...everything already learnt and experienced; and basically, i'll be doing very repetitive stuff. but the nxt half, like the first, will come and go and soon i'll be out to the university.

ok now i shall do some reflections for the past year:

i realized that i havnt been giving my all to the office that im working in now. officers are nice...the place is life is nice and i just dont work as hard as i could. or as i should. there has been simply no motivation for me to work better, or work faster. the pay will always be the same. recognition is so minimal that it's not worth it to pursue. basically, every single hour at work is spent looking forward to book out time...and every night is maximised till the very latest...only to spill into the nxt day's wee hours. and everytime i think about it...i believe that my time in NS could have been better spent elsewhere. the office life that i'd hoped to have and learn from dont really reflect the outside working world office life. the menial work...i do loads of them. most of the time im ok with them...but certain tasks really put me off totally.

before this reflective period, the ONLY possible motivation i could think of was to not to let my nice officers down, to make them proud that they have an NSF like me. and somehow...that wasnt enough to spur me on to give my all and be the hardworking guy i used to be.

well a discussion with one of my officers helped me to realize that motivation comes in two folds. the first would be external motivation -This would monetary rewards (pay increment), additional perks benefitted, recognition from my officers and the people within my working atmosphere etc. the second would be internal motivation - This would be my moral character, how i carry myself, how i want myself to be portrayed to the people around me, my self-worth, my dignity as a human being. Integrity. do i slack because i believe that the work that im doing is way beneath my capabilities...or do i give my best in every possible situation because i want to show that i have a consistent, sound personality and moral character?

i believe that internal motivation should be higher placed than external motivation. because it measures self-worth over what others might think of you...over what others can reward you with what you have done. its the real recognition and acknowledgement of one's own existence.
but somehow it doesnt get to me. hmm does this say something of me? i've thought about it and perhaps i just dont value the experience that NS has been giving me right now...for me there's nothing in there that gets interested...motivated. it doesnt even trigger my inner self-respect. but maybe its just me...being not really interested in anything these days...

gah i guess im in a reflective mood...a little bit of the emo-jit that i used to be...but at this half-way pt thru my service experience...i guess its about time i thought things over.

this doesnt make sense with what i have been typing...but i'll try to work better in my office from now on!