let it be ba.

a lot of times i'd struggled to grasp with the facts
that im no longer there...where i was...
that i'd lost you...forever
i'd toss and turn in bed...cry over how i cant do anything about it...
how i've just lost...the means of making anything right.


i miss you. everything about you. and us.
some places just seem so strange...not having you there nxt to me anymore
i keep praying. wishing that you'd be there...
but when i'd open my eyes...
the images of you...just vanish into the air...
that seemed to have carried you away with it.


i dont know why things have to be like that
but i know it is like that. and i cant change anything...
not at least for now
i just wished that - it wouldnt forever remain like this


because we shared something sweet...
something that we felt nice to be in
a special friendship that we had...
that i never had before...


i just cant come to terms with losing you.
but i realized that...
it's been a long and tiring experience for you...and me.
and we'd have enough...
the only thing that is left of me to do...
would be to let it be...

but i just want you to always know this...
that i'd always be there if you need be.
because
no matter what had happened in the past...
it will never change that sweet place
that i have for you in my heart.

我会永远的望着你
只到那一天，一切的空白能装满着你
我想，你对我说的话都很有道理
只怪自己起初不了解你对我的情义
一步步地再错，伤了你的心
使我感到更痛苦更寂寞

现在只能默默的祝福你
把我们的一切永远的记住在脑海里
偶尔的梦着，想着

我最爱的朋友，
我生活的十八年
我最大的遗憾就是
缺少了你...







i'll miss you always... take care.

drifting

everytime i look back, i feel as if each step i take forward is a mistake,
that it would have been better to have left things alone...
because things would have eventually got better, by its own

my actions, words, seem to prompt for an immediate reaction, an immediate feeling
that, now come to think of it, is unreasonable and impossible...
but i still went ahead and done it, talk...and stir things up...mess things up again.

why do i always do it?
because i dont feel secure. each time i leave things alone...i dont know how it would become.
i fear. and i start thinking...and everything becomes so...unnatural.
i could go on and on about how things could be...what you could have done...things that i expect...but ultimately...i want it really to be entirely up to you...

your decisions, by your feelings, are what matters most to me, not what i want you to do, not what i expect you to do. i've been unfair...by imposing my expectations on you....like how you always told me u hated it...sigh. i guess i just feel so unassured...and left alone like that...for so long. im just so scared that...i'll lose you finally...that the light at the end of the tunnel isnt going to be one with you standing in it, but a blank white sheet that glares back at me.









leave it. i am going to leave it. just like that. after all, time will heal all things...even really really bad ones..right? it's just a phase that will pass...if we really meant so much to each other...then things will become gd again...the same...or somehow...if possible, even better. otherwise...like they all say...perhaps..it's for the better.

writing lines

i cannot make people think what i think
i cannot make people feel what i feel
it's not fair.
how could i? no. i cant.

but i can let people know how i feel. so at least...they know...

there's so much that i could do...if only they'd work...i wouldnt know...
but would i dare try?

it's nothing in my hands now...it's all up to you...
after all...it's a two-way thing...like you said.

if only things returned to where we left them at...
but i guess for now, it's only in my hope that it'll be like that...

hope you'll be doing well...in life...in everything that you do...
i miss needing you...i miss having you need me
perhaps it sounds so ridiculous...but that's how i feel...i need you to need me...
otherwise...i seem so lost...

but i cant force things...i dont want things done against will.
i hope we can pick things up again...somehow...in some way...
i sound foolish...but i cant help it...right? haha

yup. i guess it needs more time. perhaps i need it too...more time.






you're right. i couldnt have foreseen everything...i just feared for the worst...so little faith...and i just fitted how everything happened into what i felt would happen...i guess...it's all just out of anguish...hurt...a little of my ego. i wont think of it this way anymore. because it's just not right...i understand this part at least...





everything needs time...they say. you say it too. i will. dont expect me not to wait. i will...like i always have...i dont give up easily...i hope it'll be something that you'll come to appreciate some day...perhaps not now...but some day...

so emo...haha...my thoughts. i cant help it...after all...these are all that i have been thinking about for the past few days, weeks...




like how we've decided...i shall do what i would do in a life without you...go on...but i will always look back to see whether you're there...because you were there b4...


i guess you've been very tired of all these. i have been too. it's been so hard...but i dont want to end things because we're tired...because we had enough of trying...but yea. i'll stop ba. enough is enough. haha. someday...we'll meet...we'll greet...and perhaps we'll become gd friends again. somehow. perhaps just not now...now has been...long...and full of twists and turns.




if anything...i'll always remember the good memories...memories that we have hardly captured in photos...but forever some place of my past that i'll never forget. that will be something that i will hold on to...and never let to. because you were someone significant. and you'll always stay that way...someone important to my being, my life.


you gave me direction. now i've lost the end of the rope...felt that i never clung on to it hard enough...to let it slip frm my hands...i'll find it again some day ba. the direction that i missed...that i lost.






take care ba...think of me when you're not too tired...find me some day again...when u feel like it. after all, you always depended on your feelings...






nxt few weeks, months, going to be busy for you, for me, for almost everyone that we know...we'll pull through it somehow ba...huh. we'll arive at the end point some day...and be glad that it's finally all over. heave a sigh of relief...and move on in life....

gd luck for the upcoming exams.









im sorry for the heated conversation that we had. you didnt deserve it. i dug up everything...and threw everything on you. it wasnt fair...i felt so terrible after that...but i couldnt help it...so much things...were bothering me...and...it all just came out...like how i didnt want it to come out...

all i wanted to say was that...i missed you...missed not having you anymore there...not having you around...self-centered perhaps...yea...but...i cant help it. im so lost without us. without you there anymore.

midweek holiday post.

dont feel ready at all for the upcoming exams. just totally exhausted from the past few months of gruelling essay writing and compilaton of IAs...and i still haven't handed in my CAS file yet. burn out? no i dont believe in that....but i feel so weary...keep having the temptation to play...where's that self-control? non-existent...sigh.

just hope i'll do decently well. after all...i have been writing quite a lot of practice essays. i really dont know how i would fare by the IB exams. this prelims...im going to really take it like a practice exam. to see what i know and i dont know...after all...that's what exams are for after all no?

struggling to find some purpose for my being. i know im there. i know who loves me. i know who cares. i know who i care for. but people...sometimes...arent enough to keep me going. i wish i had that kind of energy for everything that i do...but past few weeks...i feel as if i've been losing it. we claw, we clamber on...cling on to? don't know. life's a struggle no? the troubles...the problems...are just - inconsequential. the struggle comes with finding one's self. ah human nature. sometimes i feel as if i've read what i type somewhere...or...i've typed it before. are we all really in search for something? or maybe it's not a search. it's just something that is missing. not there. AIYOH! haha always end up posting emo confusing paragraphs.




every action, every thought - was with the same aims, the same hopes - to be able to stay there - to keep the status quo...to not let, allow anything to affect, to change...i guess, the blurred lines...just kept things...tangled up.

but it was nice...being in the midst of it all...once before...perhaps never ever again...





to be your confidante...someday again.